No matter, I’m still living.

Just a quick one here. Probably an emo one too.
Life’s not doing well for me.
I’ve been quite stressful lately. I know everyone else is too, so I’m no exception.
But somehow I’ve gone pessimistic and depressed. For instance, today.

I went back hostel feeling a whole load of mood swing and I can’t control my emotions, thus I just let out my anger on my sis. Which was something I was guilty about later after that.

I was so depressed about everything in me. Every little thing counts and everything upset me to the max.

I felt like bursting into tears, but was afraid to so in public.

At that moment, I hate myself so much, I hate everything I do, I hate everything that’s happening around me. I was feeling extremely dissatisfied with my life. I wished I have a better one.I wished I could excel in my studies much better, I wished I could do all the things I want without even bothering what other people would say. I wished I could spend my time doing something I need to do instead of procrastinating like what I’m doing right now.

Feeling like this made me even worse. It made me think that I’m an ungrateful person who already has all she needs, but still craving for more. I feel like a worthless child who spends every single penny that her dad has earned so hard.

I feel so suffocated when I have to deal with two sides from different point of views. I feel so trapped between what’s right and what’s not. I feel like I’m being investigated from head to toe. I feel like a bitch for ignoring and hurting my loved ones.

Everytime I want to change, everytime I try to compromise, everytime I try to calm myself down, everytime I try to think right, my willpower isn’t just strong enough to deal with the reality. And everytime these happen, all I can afford to do is just break down, get depressed, stuff everything into my heart and keep my lips shut. And shed tears.

I’m tired of shedding tears. I’m tired of becoming such a pessimist. I’m sick of myself for doing this to my mind. I don’t know how to stop all these. They just keep going on and on. I’m falling apart. I don’t think I can hold on any longer.

Stop helping me, my friend. If I can’t help myself, no one can.

Toodles.